So the thing is at the moment I am a raging lunatic and a complete stranger to myself.
Firstly, I am really, really sad. Last night, I was pathetic weeping girlfriend pressed up against the glass at the International Airport watching someone who makes me feel safest and content wander through Gate 75 to board the 8.45 plane to England, via Dubai. I don't have anything to say about the matter that isn't cliche. Honestly, I don't.
I'm just so sad and the truth is, how I feel is homesick. Like sad and sickly and a bit panicky, like that feeling when you're on school camp and you're convinced you're never going to see your mum or dad or your dog or bed again. And all you want is the familiarity of having someone or something that makes you feel safe or comforted. That's how I feel about said someone.
Which leads me to my second point, I am really, really angry. Angry that I am this human being that I swore I never would be, someone who invested emotion in a boy to the point of being so sad he's not around anymore that I sat in the dark in my room for an hour, crying about the tragedy of life.
WHY?! AND WHO AM I?!
I don't know shit, is all I know.
That is the result of all of this, I've decided. That the only truth I feel at the moment is that I don't know a thing about anything. Which worries me because I'm always rested my self esteem on the fact I know things and thus always have something to say.
But I do know that I am very lucky. Amy drives me to uni, we eat sandwiches and we chat. Teagan picks me up from uni and we chat. Brodie comes over with chocolate and popcorn and we chat. So fortunately for me, I set myself up with amazing people who just chat. Who just sit with me and roll their eyes and laugh and listen and tell me things and inevitably, make me feel like despite how homesick I am at the moment, I've got bricks and mortar. They remind me that the foundations to my amazing life are in fact, them.
And just an interesting aside, I tearily made my way up to my kitchen this afternoon and found Dad standing there munching on something. He took one glance at my pathetic self, placed his hand affectionately on my shoulder and said 'Welcome to the real world, Jack. Congratulations and finally.'
Which made me cry some more. But, as is usual with my wise Ghandi like father, he was right. This sucks and I'm being dramatic and teen angsty and boring all my friends and feeling like shit but this is an 'oh shit' phase in my life when I transition from someone who thinks they know to someone who realises they don't know at all and hopefully, eventually, to someone is ok with that. Someone is maturer and a little bit wiser. The real world, where people get hurt and fall in love and have sex and learn from all of that. That is where I am. At the moment, I'd sell a boob to make the dull ache go away but I get that this is all part of it.
and, slightly sarcastically, yay.
x
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